My Life As It Were....

You have to understand that I can only take so much. I've told you
time and time again that I have had people screaming in my face,
metaphorically, since elementary school and without anyone teaching me
how to fight I had to learn how to run or outsmart

I know, I guess, I'm built for what you give me but just sometimes it
just gets hard

Like I wish I had more influence....

It makes me feel like a failure

And then I go to work and its the same shit

I feel like everyone is coming at me from left field...like they can
see that I'm a mark. Easy prey. Who am I supposed to trust.

So I feel like I'm trapped in this ugly tormented bubble that reflects
my soul and I don't like what I see

And I am weak. I am a mark

This is my hand dealt

And then it pisses me off

And then I want to lash out and cut everything

I want everyone to feel an ounce of my hurt and disappointments.

And that's just Monday

I'd buy that for a dollar

I once thought we were all moving, but I see life is moving and we have no control how fast. It feels like our presence is the nuisance. The very bane of its existence.
We are given life as a gift, yet we treat it like we have a second chance. Those of who squeeze every ounce out of it get to the same place as those who throw it away. One lives happily. One lives miserably.
I don't know how to be indifferent. genetics means I won't be able to master this. I have no choice but to feel my reality.

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If I show you shiny trinkets too soon will you see through me?
If I tell I tell you I love you on the 4th date will you see my desperation and ignore me?
If I wear my heart on my sleeve will you abuse me?
If I devote myself to you unconditionally will you turn your back on me?
If I give myself to you will you love me?

I think I love you, Dama

I think I love you, Dama

You who fight so hard to be tough

You who struggle so much to be heard

I love you, who fight a battle lost for the fact you fight

I love you, who sees but do not know

I know I love you, Dama

You who loves hard and fights harder

You who guards your heart

You who do not yield

I love you

I love you

I love you

Tanya, I’ll always love you now, no matter what happens

I know I am only a man, I am only the unworthy, but no matter where your road leads your life I will always have your eternal heart. Love will always be what binds our memories and our waking lives. May every day you open your eyes you remember that no matter how much you feel anger for life and dream for your dreams to come true that I will always subject myself to your anger for even a smile from you….I’m sorry I am only a man. I am your man. I love you.

Traveling

Never thought I'd see the day that I would become weary of the travels. I'm beat, tired of sleeping in a hotel and in dire need of my woman. Although being in Albuquerque was a definite experience, from the local bar scene to the Sandia mountains. It's interesting to see how humans deteriorate when put out of their element and at the same time we figure out a way to evolve into a new one. Overall, I'd say a good part of Albuquerque's locals are happy and outgoing leaving the a very large portion to the shadows and very distant from social normalises.
Anyway, I can see how flying from airport to hotel and hotel to airport constantly gets very old very quickly. I'll stick to making each an adventure. My travel partners will always find it odd that I seek conversation with anyone who will listen but as my pappy always said, "How will the adventure begin if we don't jump through a new portal?"

Why do we do what we do?

It feels like we are not creatures of habbit but also beasts of consistancy. Whether you're happy or in full disdain we generally only go as far doubting our posistions in this big big world. One can't help wonder where this comes from. I guess some people are raised as such and others cultivate a level of fear which leads to it. It's understandable that incomplete bliss we don't look inward. I mean who would really. Narcissm is an ugly scent on most people. The thing is that we are in a loathing state of being which lead to brash decision. What is it that causes us to constantly hit the wall over and over? I think it's this: we put fear first. Also we hold hope that the love you hold will eventually flower so big. Big enough forgive all sins committed and transgressed upon. that being said I love living life. There much being said about the ups and downs of relationships and partnerships alike. There aren't enough heroes of love and hate. Champeens of the everlast. For my money I don't care if women are crazy . I'm alive and living. I would do it all over again.

The Friend Connection

It's interesting to see our path's in life move along. I'd say most people are unaware the details let alone noticing the fact that we are all on a universal journey. Sometimes I wonder and find my wishing I new what it would be like to think about everything less, care less and worry the least. Although I know I would miss my life and the struggles it takes each and every day to make it all worth while.
Well apart of that peripatetic unwinding we all do we find ourselves amongst the most interesting people albeit not always the best of people. A descent group of friends and the one sour cousin or a clueless, selfish brother. How do you traverse these things? The answer eludes me, but after an all day headache with mixed feelings I guess the pro's out weigh the con's. So for now the idea is to cultivate the friendship. Have as much fun as possible and not think about the details all the time.
For me, the most intriguing thing is watching all the dynamics of any group. No two people are the same in style and almost in personality yet everyone gets along in their way. For example, there's the witty, extra quip character who will most likely spin the entertainment most of the night but still tends to pinch nerves. Then again, it's the cost to pay. There's the passive, nice, romantic guy who tends to serve as the glue of any group of friends. The token stoner and last but not least the more aggressive alpha male of the group. Slap on a keen sense of homo-erotic behavior which contend as jokes in the 2010 era and I'd say you've got a pretty normal set of friends. The best thing about it all is our wide the open arms of acceptance are. I wonder who I'll know next year.